A Good Day

Today was an actual good day. I accomplished two big things on my to-do list, one of which was to join a gym. And I got a workout in! I feel like this will be a good outlet for me, and I was impressed with the cleanliness of the facility and the fact that it is filled with brand new equipment. I got a nice cardio workout in and met with the trainer to get a short beginner lifting program set up. I also did not binge eat at all, which means that I am now at one day with no binge eating. My plan is to track these days as a way of staying accountable to myself.

In the land of emotions, I continue not to feel many of those. It is very easy to remain in denial, in some ways, now that I am no longer living with my husband. Life continues to seem very surreal, like I am temporaririly living a new reality but could go back to my old life at any time. Although I did choose to leave my marriage, it's mind boggling that I am going to be divorcing my husband at some point (as yet to be determined).

I used to be someone who was able to cry. I am not sure when this changed, but I am not kidding when I say I am like Chandller Bing in that respect. Or maybe like Amanda, who was the character played by Cameron Diaz in the movie The Holiday. And the more I think about the fact that I cannot cry, the less likely I am to cry. I don't want to go through the rest of my life unable to express and feel my emotions, so that is something for me to work on, hopefully with the help of Sabrina, although I am not sure that I can imagine what she would be able to do for me in this respect. But I am committed to staying in therapy as long as I need to in order to be "okay" again.

There are two sides of this coin that I can think of. The first is that, now that I am out on my own, I will be able to process and feel my emotions. The other side is that, now that I am out on my own, I will be able to continue to ignore and deny my emotions. I have no way of knowing which side of the coin will land facing up, but I know that I would rather have it be the former than the latter. And I know it will be better for me in the long run to have it be the former, rather than the latter. But I question my ability to make that be so. And the more I question my ability to feel all the feelings, the less likely I think I will be to feel the feelings.

I think I need to stop overthinking this, however, before I drive myself just a little more crazy.