Therapy

When I found out my husband was having an affair, I went into a state of shock, I think. I went through the motions for two weeks before confronting him, and then I continued to go through the motions for four more months, apparently causing concern among my friends as I maintained total control over my emotions and kept my head down and my eyes facing forward. At the end of January, I called the Employee Assistance Program number offered by my employer and set up my first therapy session. Since then, I have been seeing my therapist every other week, for the most part, and it is at her suggestion that I am heading back to this pink apartment in the city and typing out these words.

In the beginning, my therapy sessions were very much about what had happened to me. I talked about what my husband (I will call him Kurt) had done, how it made me feel, what I was doing about it, what I wasn't doing about it. I recapped the two weeks between sessions, touching on a few other things, and it was after a couple of sessions that my therapist (let's call her Sabrina) shared that she was an eating disorders specialist. I know that I am someone who struggles with disordered eating, but I have been on a weight loss journey and felt pretty much like I was in control of that. Since then, we have touched on eating issues a time or two, but we have never had a major discussion about it. However, about a month ago, the control I thought I had slipped, and I have gone back to my old binge eating behaviors.

This week, heading into a scheduled session with Sabrina, I started to think that this was something I needed to 'fess up to. I wouldn't say I have necessarily been untruthful in therapy, but there are definitely places I have not really gone. And a major place that I didn't go to until today is to the place where I have what has been called by Sabrina an "eating disorder." And I started out our session today by telling her that I had been binge eating for the past four weeks. And then I cried.

Currently, in the DSM-IV, there is not a diagnosis code for binge eating, but when the DSM-V is published in May 2013, a diagnosis code for Binge Eating Disorder will be included. The proposed definition of this disorder can be found at www.dsm5.org under the Feeding and Eating Disorders heading, but I will include here the parts of it that really resonate with me. First of all, an episode of binge eating involves eating in a certain amount of time (for example, a couple of hours) an amount of food that is definitely larger than most people would eat in that same amount of time under the same circumstances. In addition, binge eating involves a sense of a lack of control over eating during this episode. Also, there are five markers that further define the disorder, at least three of which must be present. They are (1) eating much more rapidly than normal, (2) eating until feeling uncomfortably full, (3) eating large amounts even when not hungry, (4) eating alone to avoid the embarrassment that comes from eating such a large amount, and (5) feeling disgusted, depressed, or very guilty after overeating. There are some other things listed in the definition, but this information I have shared here is what is most interesting to me.

Do I sometimes eat more than a "normal" person would eat in a certain amount of time? Certainly. Do I sometimes feel a lack of control over this eating? Definitely. Do any of those five markers ever describe me? Without a doubt. Let's take today, for example. My breakfast was from McDonald's, two sausage burritos and two hash browns, eaten in my car, so no one would see me. My lunch was sushi from the grocery store, two cookies, and some caramel corn, also in the car. Dinner was some breakfast sausage I inhaled in my kitchen. All of this food was eaten rapidly, and most of it was eaten in secret. I was not physically hungry for all of it. And at the end of the day, I feel some guilt over yet another day that I did not get back on track. But by defining this as an eating disorder, I do feel hope that it is something I can "fix," through time and therapy and the learning of new behaviors. And oh, how I would love for that to happen.

Anyway, although I have a blog outside this pink apartment building, I am concerned about putting too much of myself out there in a place where people who actually know me might read it. But I also know that I NEED a place to talk about this (and other things) as I move forward. And I think a lot of what I have to talk about will surround this idea binge eating and the role it has in my life. I would love to hear what anyone else thinks about food issues, especially among women, and I invite you to pull up a chair here and stay for a while.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

The times, they are a-changing...

In January 2009, I posted on this rather inactive blog that I was not entirely happy with my marriage. In December 2011, I found out my husband was having an affair. On Christmas Eve, I confronted him about it. Just about a month ago, we decided to divorce (he says it was my decision, but I think the fact that he had an affair puts some of the decision on him as well). Next month, I am moving into an apartment. Although I am sad that my marriage didn't work out the way I hoped it would, I am starting over, and I am looking forward to seeing what life has to offer.