Unhealthy

As we head into another new year, it's pretty common to see bloggers posting their resolutions for 2010. And on my non-anonymous blog, I talked a little bit about what mine are. However, here in my anonymous apartment, I am going to speak more in depth about one of my resolutions. I will just call it this...a diet. I don't want to go into detail on how I worded it in the other place because that would make this whole anonymous thing pretty pointless.

Anyway, to get on with the task at hand, here is the truth...I am fat. I was fat when I finished college over a decade ago, and while I have, on occasion, successfully lost some weight since then, I always have gained it back, and it has always brought some friends along with it. A challenging two years several years ago packed 35 more pounds on my frame. And while I lost about 25 of those pounds after that challenge was over, all 25 have come back, and I weigh more now than I ever have.

I could safely lose 100 pounds, but I would be happy just to get down to 200 pounds. I weigh more than my husband, who is several inches taller than I am and certainly not thin himself. However, I have no idea how to tackle such a huge amount of weight loss. I know in my head how to do it...stop eating so much, exercise more often, avoid the fast food drive thru, drink water instead of soda. However, I have never been successful. I have tried a lot of diets. I have done Weight Watchers on my own and in meetings. I have joined eDiets and Sparkpeople. I have done Atkins. I have counted calories. I have counted carbs. And I have never been successful. I have been temporarily successful, but I end up going off whatever diet I am on, and the weight comes back.

I know enough not to set some big goal, like "lose 50 pounds." But I do know that I need to make changes. I need to eat less. I need to move more. When I am stressed or upset, I need to turn to something other than food. Sometimes I think that my only hope is weight loss surgery, and the thought of that is so discouraging. Shouldn't I be able to do this on my own? Do I somehow not think I deserve to be healthy and fit? Why do I keep sabotaging myself? I am in my early 30s, and I should be healthy and happy. Instead, I am fat and...not exactly unhappy, but not as happy as I could be.

So this should be the Year of Me. I need to worry about myself...my health most of all. I can't be a good friend, a good family member, a good wife, or a good employee if I am not healthy. And while I have maintained my health at an unhealthy weight so far, eventually my luck could run out. Not an overly cheery proposition!

So eat less. Move more. Make this the Year of Me. These are my goals for 2010...here's hoping it's a good year!

Blah

My whole reason for starting this blog was the same one so many other people have. In every other social networking arena that I am a part of, someone from my real life knows it's me. And sometimes, I have thoughts that I don't really want to be attributed to me.

For the most part, these thoughts center around my marriage and my level of happiness within it. I have been married for a certain number of years now, and I am not at all living the life I expected to lead. I am living somewhere that I don't like. I do not, as of yet, have any children, and if it were 100% up to my husband, it would stay that way. While we both have good jobs, we sometimes struggle for money. All in all, my life is not at all what I thought it would be when I got to be the age I am. And sometimes I wonder if I am truly happy. And then I think that if I have to question whether or not I am happy, that's a pretty good indication that I am not.

I don't know if I just have unrealistic expectations. I am pretty sure that you are not supposed to spend half the time you are talking to your husband mumbling, "Asshole," under your breath. But I also know that movies and books paint a rosy picture of love that is just not found in the real world. I love my husband, and we are very, very good friends. But sometimes I wonder what would have happened if, instead of ending our five-year relationship with an engagement that led to marriage, I had ended it with an actual ending and moved somewhere new and started over and really reached for that golden ring on the carousel.

Maybe I am just in the world's longest funk. I am a firm believer, however, that you make your choices in life and then have to live with them. So I keep on keeping on, but in the meantime, I have this secret place to get it all out. And that feels very good, indeed.