Today was an actual good day. I accomplished two big things on my to-do list, one of which was to join a gym. And I got a workout in! I feel like this will be a good outlet for me, and I was impressed with the cleanliness of the facility and the fact that it is filled with brand new equipment. I got a nice cardio workout in and met with the trainer to get a short beginner lifting program set up. I also did not binge eat at all, which means that I am now at one day with no binge eating. My plan is to track these days as a way of staying accountable to myself.
In the land of emotions, I continue not to feel many of those. It is very easy to remain in denial, in some ways, now that I am no longer living with my husband. Life continues to seem very surreal, like I am temporaririly living a new reality but could go back to my old life at any time. Although I did choose to leave my marriage, it's mind boggling that I am going to be divorcing my husband at some point (as yet to be determined).
I used to be someone who was able to cry. I am not sure when this changed, but I am not kidding when I say I am like Chandller Bing in that respect. Or maybe like Amanda, who was the character played by Cameron Diaz in the movie The Holiday. And the more I think about the fact that I cannot cry, the less likely I am to cry. I don't want to go through the rest of my life unable to express and feel my emotions, so that is something for me to work on, hopefully with the help of Sabrina, although I am not sure that I can imagine what she would be able to do for me in this respect. But I am committed to staying in therapy as long as I need to in order to be "okay" again.
There are two sides of this coin that I can think of. The first is that, now that I am out on my own, I will be able to process and feel my emotions. The other side is that, now that I am out on my own, I will be able to continue to ignore and deny my emotions. I have no way of knowing which side of the coin will land facing up, but I know that I would rather have it be the former than the latter. And I know it will be better for me in the long run to have it be the former, rather than the latter. But I question my ability to make that be so. And the more I question my ability to feel all the feelings, the less likely I think I will be to feel the feelings.
I think I need to stop overthinking this, however, before I drive myself just a little more crazy.
Monday, June 18, 2012
Thursday, June 14, 2012
More from my therapist's office...
Yesterday, I had my first session with Sabrina since moving out of my marital home and into my apartment. My paperwork that I handed to her as I entered her office had a big post-it on the front with my new address on it. And with that information out there, we were off to the races.
It was your basic "How are things going? How do you feel about things now? What's your stress level?" kind of conversation. I did talk a bit about how my family has reacted to me trying to talk about my feelings ("Uh-huh. Aaaaand...let's talk about something else.") and how that sort of
validated why I am the way I am. And she pointed out that it also INvalidated my feelings when they reacted that way. And I suppose that is true. When you reach out to someone who is a family member and should be your go-to and the reply is, "What should we have for lunch?" it is rather invalidating.
She broached with me for the first time the idea of taking medication to get over the hump, as my usual social anxiety (mostly surrounding things like making phone calls, such as making appointments and ordering pizza) has been ramped up quite a bit by my current circumstances. But she didn't really want to go that route, as she feels I am already pretty "numb" to my feelings and doesn't want to add to that. So the plan seems to be to learn other ways to manage my anxiety. I think I potentially could be in therapy forever.
I do appreciate that the take-away message I get from her every time I see her is, "You will be okay." It is sometimes hard for me to believe that I will come out the other side of this in a way that involves me being okay. However, I trust her and the process, and I have no reason not to believe her when she says that I will, in fact, be okay. It may take a long time and a lot of therapy, but I have nothing but time now. And a kick ass therapist who is telling me I will be okay. And my only choice, in my mind, is to believe her.
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It was your basic "How are things going? How do you feel about things now? What's your stress level?" kind of conversation. I did talk a bit about how my family has reacted to me trying to talk about my feelings ("Uh-huh. Aaaaand...let's talk about something else.") and how that sort of
validated why I am the way I am. And she pointed out that it also INvalidated my feelings when they reacted that way. And I suppose that is true. When you reach out to someone who is a family member and should be your go-to and the reply is, "What should we have for lunch?" it is rather invalidating.
She broached with me for the first time the idea of taking medication to get over the hump, as my usual social anxiety (mostly surrounding things like making phone calls, such as making appointments and ordering pizza) has been ramped up quite a bit by my current circumstances. But she didn't really want to go that route, as she feels I am already pretty "numb" to my feelings and doesn't want to add to that. So the plan seems to be to learn other ways to manage my anxiety. I think I potentially could be in therapy forever.
I do appreciate that the take-away message I get from her every time I see her is, "You will be okay." It is sometimes hard for me to believe that I will come out the other side of this in a way that involves me being okay. However, I trust her and the process, and I have no reason not to believe her when she says that I will, in fact, be okay. It may take a long time and a lot of therapy, but I have nothing but time now. And a kick ass therapist who is telling me I will be okay. And my only choice, in my mind, is to believe her.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
Saturday, June 9, 2012
Moving out
Yesterday was my official moving day. It is completely surreal that my husband and I are separated and planning to divorce. I have a sort of pit in my stomach just thinking that we are no longer a part of each other's day-to-day. Although this was my choice, it definitely was not how I envisioned my marriage would end up, and while I thought I would feel better once I had moved out, I definitely feel worse.
Last week, I briefly tried out a couple of days of laxatives following my binges, but (A) I know that the health ramifications of taking laxatives are no laughing matter and (B) there is no way that they were counteracting the eating I was doing in any manner, so that little experiment is off the table. Today has been a good day full of good food and no feelings of being out of control. Here's hoping that tomorrow is more like that and less like the last month and half have been. I believe my total weight gain stands a roughly 15 pounds, which disgusts me and also makes me angry with myself.
I need to get my new home organized so I can stop just existing and start really living. It's so overwhelming and anxiety-producing, and I feel at a loss right now. However, it has to get better at some point...soon I hope.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
Last week, I briefly tried out a couple of days of laxatives following my binges, but (A) I know that the health ramifications of taking laxatives are no laughing matter and (B) there is no way that they were counteracting the eating I was doing in any manner, so that little experiment is off the table. Today has been a good day full of good food and no feelings of being out of control. Here's hoping that tomorrow is more like that and less like the last month and half have been. I believe my total weight gain stands a roughly 15 pounds, which disgusts me and also makes me angry with myself.
I need to get my new home organized so I can stop just existing and start really living. It's so overwhelming and anxiety-producing, and I feel at a loss right now. However, it has to get better at some point...soon I hope.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
Thursday, June 7, 2012
The beginning of the end...
When morning arrives, it will bring with it the day I am moving into an apartment, on my own, apart from my husband. This marks the first concrete step of uncoupling, although one might argue that we are already uncoupled. The emotions involved in this are overwhelming, and my eating continues to be excessive, emotional, binge-y, and shame-provoking. However, my hope is that my new start will help quiet some of the "chatter" so I can find myself under all this garbage.
I have been doing some reading about the role of certain neurotransmitters in binge eating behaviors and how their deficiency can cause cravings for sweet and carb-y or salty and fatty foods. I am also reading about ways we can help alleviate those deficiencies through the consumption of healthy foods and the practice of healthy behaviors. It's an intriguing principle that makes sense on paper. I will have to see how it translates to real life.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
I have been doing some reading about the role of certain neurotransmitters in binge eating behaviors and how their deficiency can cause cravings for sweet and carb-y or salty and fatty foods. I am also reading about ways we can help alleviate those deficiencies through the consumption of healthy foods and the practice of healthy behaviors. It's an intriguing principle that makes sense on paper. I will have to see how it translates to real life.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
Tuesday, June 5, 2012
Chemicals
So the process of moving out of my marital home continues. And the process of binge eating continues. I would say the moving is about 80% done, and the unpacking is maybe 40% done. The gaining of control over my eating has not yet begun.
When I was last with Sabrina and confessed to her that I had been engaging in binge eating for a month, her first question was whether I thought that was normal, I assume given the circumstances. My response was that I did not want it to be my normal. When I have mentioned to my friends that I am struggling with my eating, they have often responded, "Oh, that's normal. Don't be too hard on yourself." And I know that they are trying to be helpful, but that is not helpful. Actually, I don't know that there is anything a friend could say to me regarding my binge eating that would be helpful, but pooh-pooh-ing it is definitely not helpful. Anyway, this led to a bit of a discussion with Sabrina about the science behind binge eating. Later that week, a friend of mine mentioned to me a book called Diet Rehab that actually had to do with those very ideas. Therefore, I am reading right now about serotonin and dopamine and the roles they play in disordered eating and learning quite a bit. I don't know how I will implement this information into my life, but I am interested to see if there is a way that I can use healthy foods and behaviors to increase and keep more consistent my levels of serotonin and dopamine, as the book suggests, so as to diminish "bad" eating and gain control over food. I would love to get rid of the negative self-talk, which tells me, depending on the day, that I am not good enough, that I will never love and be loved again, that I am a big fat failure, and that I will never get over my issues. It would be great not to be telling myself those things anymore.
-Posted using BlogPress from my iPad
When I was last with Sabrina and confessed to her that I had been engaging in binge eating for a month, her first question was whether I thought that was normal, I assume given the circumstances. My response was that I did not want it to be my normal. When I have mentioned to my friends that I am struggling with my eating, they have often responded, "Oh, that's normal. Don't be too hard on yourself." And I know that they are trying to be helpful, but that is not helpful. Actually, I don't know that there is anything a friend could say to me regarding my binge eating that would be helpful, but pooh-pooh-ing it is definitely not helpful. Anyway, this led to a bit of a discussion with Sabrina about the science behind binge eating. Later that week, a friend of mine mentioned to me a book called Diet Rehab that actually had to do with those very ideas. Therefore, I am reading right now about serotonin and dopamine and the roles they play in disordered eating and learning quite a bit. I don't know how I will implement this information into my life, but I am interested to see if there is a way that I can use healthy foods and behaviors to increase and keep more consistent my levels of serotonin and dopamine, as the book suggests, so as to diminish "bad" eating and gain control over food. I would love to get rid of the negative self-talk, which tells me, depending on the day, that I am not good enough, that I will never love and be loved again, that I am a big fat failure, and that I will never get over my issues. It would be great not to be telling myself those things anymore.
-Posted using BlogPress from my iPad
Sunday, June 3, 2012
So emotional. Actually, not so much.
I have always been a big fan of the television show Friends, and I often use it as a cultural frame of reference. So when I talk about emotions, or lack thereof, my brain goes to Chandler Bing, the man who couldn't cry. For those interested, I am talking about S6E4, the episode entitled "The One Where Chandler Can't Cry," in which his friends learn that Chandler hasn't cried since he was a child. While I have certainly cried more recently than that, I sometimes feel like I live in a similar stoic, "dead inside" kind of place.
When I last saw Sabrina, after confessing to her that I had been binge eating for the last month, I started to cry. This was big, as I had not yet really let my guard down while in a therapy session (I am a big intellectualizer and tend to stay in my head instead of straying to my heart), and it led into a very brief discussion of emotions (before the shutters closed back up and I found myself back in my head again). And one thing that I mentioned to her was that I worry that I am not able to connect to people in an emotional way. I see people who are good at this, and it befuddles me as to how they can do this.
I put forth a persona that has me as a non-hugger and not a touchy-feely person. It's something I joke about, actually (I also tend to deflect with humor). However, deep inside, I don't want to be a non-hugger. I want to offer and accept hugs without overthinking it. I know some people who are slam dunk huggers, so I don't wonder about this when I am with them, but for the most part, it's a critical analysis of whether this is a hugging situation whenever I think about giving physical affection. And it's exhausting. Is this person going to "accept" a hug? Is she going to wonder why I am hugging her? Is she going to wish I didn't hug her?
Sabrina tells me that this has to do with how I was raised. While my parents were (and are) very good parents in many, many ways, our house was not one where a lot of physical affection was shared. A peck on the cheek upon parting is our usual goodbye, but I can count on one hand the number of times I have hugged my mom in the past ten years (and know for a fact that the last time I hugged my dad was when he dropped me off at school on the first day of college, which was sometime in the early 90s). This was just not a behavior we participated in. I mentioned to her that I find it odd that I am able to connect emotionally with people other than those I am related to, while I would think it would be my family members that I would feel closest to and would be most comfortable with. However, I guess this comes back to upbringing as well and my role in my family.
After I had my mini-breakdown (mini-breakthrough?) and told her that I don't feel that I connect with people emotionally and worry that I never will, she pointed out that I had just, in those ten minutes, connected emotionally with her, in that I had put my true emotions out there and let the walls come down a bit. She asked why it was I thought I was able to do that, and my thought was that I felt that her office was a safe place to do so. And as I mentioned, I do know those slam dunk huggers that are also emotionally safe people for me, and I censor myself less when I am with them. However, I know people who give and accept emotion and sentiment and affection freely from everyone they know (unless, for cultural or religious reasons it is frowned upon), and I admire their openness and comfort with such displays.
I also know that my husband has not, for me, been a safe place to come with my true emotions for a very long time. I don't know when this became true, but I know that even prior to the events that occurred that find us here at the end of our marriage, I was not emotionally connecting to him. I think the same was true of him to me. And I worry, as I leave this relationship, not that I will never find someone to love me again but that I will not have it in me to let someone love me again. I am worried that I am going to fold my emotions in on myself and not allow people in and am going to put on a facade while continuing on with the same issues of feeling emotionally dead inside. Clearly, these are topics to discuss with Sabrina. It's interesting how you start going to a therapist because of one thing (a breaking point, if you will) and find yourself unearthing SO. MUCH. MORE.
When I last saw Sabrina, after confessing to her that I had been binge eating for the last month, I started to cry. This was big, as I had not yet really let my guard down while in a therapy session (I am a big intellectualizer and tend to stay in my head instead of straying to my heart), and it led into a very brief discussion of emotions (before the shutters closed back up and I found myself back in my head again). And one thing that I mentioned to her was that I worry that I am not able to connect to people in an emotional way. I see people who are good at this, and it befuddles me as to how they can do this.
I put forth a persona that has me as a non-hugger and not a touchy-feely person. It's something I joke about, actually (I also tend to deflect with humor). However, deep inside, I don't want to be a non-hugger. I want to offer and accept hugs without overthinking it. I know some people who are slam dunk huggers, so I don't wonder about this when I am with them, but for the most part, it's a critical analysis of whether this is a hugging situation whenever I think about giving physical affection. And it's exhausting. Is this person going to "accept" a hug? Is she going to wonder why I am hugging her? Is she going to wish I didn't hug her?
Sabrina tells me that this has to do with how I was raised. While my parents were (and are) very good parents in many, many ways, our house was not one where a lot of physical affection was shared. A peck on the cheek upon parting is our usual goodbye, but I can count on one hand the number of times I have hugged my mom in the past ten years (and know for a fact that the last time I hugged my dad was when he dropped me off at school on the first day of college, which was sometime in the early 90s). This was just not a behavior we participated in. I mentioned to her that I find it odd that I am able to connect emotionally with people other than those I am related to, while I would think it would be my family members that I would feel closest to and would be most comfortable with. However, I guess this comes back to upbringing as well and my role in my family.
After I had my mini-breakdown (mini-breakthrough?) and told her that I don't feel that I connect with people emotionally and worry that I never will, she pointed out that I had just, in those ten minutes, connected emotionally with her, in that I had put my true emotions out there and let the walls come down a bit. She asked why it was I thought I was able to do that, and my thought was that I felt that her office was a safe place to do so. And as I mentioned, I do know those slam dunk huggers that are also emotionally safe people for me, and I censor myself less when I am with them. However, I know people who give and accept emotion and sentiment and affection freely from everyone they know (unless, for cultural or religious reasons it is frowned upon), and I admire their openness and comfort with such displays.
I also know that my husband has not, for me, been a safe place to come with my true emotions for a very long time. I don't know when this became true, but I know that even prior to the events that occurred that find us here at the end of our marriage, I was not emotionally connecting to him. I think the same was true of him to me. And I worry, as I leave this relationship, not that I will never find someone to love me again but that I will not have it in me to let someone love me again. I am worried that I am going to fold my emotions in on myself and not allow people in and am going to put on a facade while continuing on with the same issues of feeling emotionally dead inside. Clearly, these are topics to discuss with Sabrina. It's interesting how you start going to a therapist because of one thing (a breaking point, if you will) and find yourself unearthing SO. MUCH. MORE.
Wednesday, May 30, 2012
Therapy
When I found out my husband was having an affair, I went into a state of shock, I think. I went through the motions for two weeks before confronting him, and then I continued to go through the motions for four more months, apparently causing concern among my friends as I maintained total control over my emotions and kept my head down and my eyes facing forward. At the end of January, I called the Employee Assistance Program number offered by my employer and set up my first therapy session. Since then, I have been seeing my therapist every other week, for the most part, and it is at her suggestion that I am heading back to this pink apartment in the city and typing out these words.
In the beginning, my therapy sessions were very much about what had happened to me. I talked about what my husband (I will call him Kurt) had done, how it made me feel, what I was doing about it, what I wasn't doing about it. I recapped the two weeks between sessions, touching on a few other things, and it was after a couple of sessions that my therapist (let's call her Sabrina) shared that she was an eating disorders specialist. I know that I am someone who struggles with disordered eating, but I have been on a weight loss journey and felt pretty much like I was in control of that. Since then, we have touched on eating issues a time or two, but we have never had a major discussion about it. However, about a month ago, the control I thought I had slipped, and I have gone back to my old binge eating behaviors.
This week, heading into a scheduled session with Sabrina, I started to think that this was something I needed to 'fess up to. I wouldn't say I have necessarily been untruthful in therapy, but there are definitely places I have not really gone. And a major place that I didn't go to until today is to the place where I have what has been called by Sabrina an "eating disorder." And I started out our session today by telling her that I had been binge eating for the past four weeks. And then I cried.
Currently, in the DSM-IV, there is not a diagnosis code for binge eating, but when the DSM-V is published in May 2013, a diagnosis code for Binge Eating Disorder will be included. The proposed definition of this disorder can be found at www.dsm5.org under the Feeding and Eating Disorders heading, but I will include here the parts of it that really resonate with me. First of all, an episode of binge eating involves eating in a certain amount of time (for example, a couple of hours) an amount of food that is definitely larger than most people would eat in that same amount of time under the same circumstances. In addition, binge eating involves a sense of a lack of control over eating during this episode. Also, there are five markers that further define the disorder, at least three of which must be present. They are (1) eating much more rapidly than normal, (2) eating until feeling uncomfortably full, (3) eating large amounts even when not hungry, (4) eating alone to avoid the embarrassment that comes from eating such a large amount, and (5) feeling disgusted, depressed, or very guilty after overeating. There are some other things listed in the definition, but this information I have shared here is what is most interesting to me.
Do I sometimes eat more than a "normal" person would eat in a certain amount of time? Certainly. Do I sometimes feel a lack of control over this eating? Definitely. Do any of those five markers ever describe me? Without a doubt. Let's take today, for example. My breakfast was from McDonald's, two sausage burritos and two hash browns, eaten in my car, so no one would see me. My lunch was sushi from the grocery store, two cookies, and some caramel corn, also in the car. Dinner was some breakfast sausage I inhaled in my kitchen. All of this food was eaten rapidly, and most of it was eaten in secret. I was not physically hungry for all of it. And at the end of the day, I feel some guilt over yet another day that I did not get back on track. But by defining this as an eating disorder, I do feel hope that it is something I can "fix," through time and therapy and the learning of new behaviors. And oh, how I would love for that to happen.
Anyway, although I have a blog outside this pink apartment building, I am concerned about putting too much of myself out there in a place where people who actually know me might read it. But I also know that I NEED a place to talk about this (and other things) as I move forward. And I think a lot of what I have to talk about will surround this idea binge eating and the role it has in my life. I would love to hear what anyone else thinks about food issues, especially among women, and I invite you to pull up a chair here and stay for a while.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad
In the beginning, my therapy sessions were very much about what had happened to me. I talked about what my husband (I will call him Kurt) had done, how it made me feel, what I was doing about it, what I wasn't doing about it. I recapped the two weeks between sessions, touching on a few other things, and it was after a couple of sessions that my therapist (let's call her Sabrina) shared that she was an eating disorders specialist. I know that I am someone who struggles with disordered eating, but I have been on a weight loss journey and felt pretty much like I was in control of that. Since then, we have touched on eating issues a time or two, but we have never had a major discussion about it. However, about a month ago, the control I thought I had slipped, and I have gone back to my old binge eating behaviors.
This week, heading into a scheduled session with Sabrina, I started to think that this was something I needed to 'fess up to. I wouldn't say I have necessarily been untruthful in therapy, but there are definitely places I have not really gone. And a major place that I didn't go to until today is to the place where I have what has been called by Sabrina an "eating disorder." And I started out our session today by telling her that I had been binge eating for the past four weeks. And then I cried.
Currently, in the DSM-IV, there is not a diagnosis code for binge eating, but when the DSM-V is published in May 2013, a diagnosis code for Binge Eating Disorder will be included. The proposed definition of this disorder can be found at www.dsm5.org under the Feeding and Eating Disorders heading, but I will include here the parts of it that really resonate with me. First of all, an episode of binge eating involves eating in a certain amount of time (for example, a couple of hours) an amount of food that is definitely larger than most people would eat in that same amount of time under the same circumstances. In addition, binge eating involves a sense of a lack of control over eating during this episode. Also, there are five markers that further define the disorder, at least three of which must be present. They are (1) eating much more rapidly than normal, (2) eating until feeling uncomfortably full, (3) eating large amounts even when not hungry, (4) eating alone to avoid the embarrassment that comes from eating such a large amount, and (5) feeling disgusted, depressed, or very guilty after overeating. There are some other things listed in the definition, but this information I have shared here is what is most interesting to me.
Do I sometimes eat more than a "normal" person would eat in a certain amount of time? Certainly. Do I sometimes feel a lack of control over this eating? Definitely. Do any of those five markers ever describe me? Without a doubt. Let's take today, for example. My breakfast was from McDonald's, two sausage burritos and two hash browns, eaten in my car, so no one would see me. My lunch was sushi from the grocery store, two cookies, and some caramel corn, also in the car. Dinner was some breakfast sausage I inhaled in my kitchen. All of this food was eaten rapidly, and most of it was eaten in secret. I was not physically hungry for all of it. And at the end of the day, I feel some guilt over yet another day that I did not get back on track. But by defining this as an eating disorder, I do feel hope that it is something I can "fix," through time and therapy and the learning of new behaviors. And oh, how I would love for that to happen.
Anyway, although I have a blog outside this pink apartment building, I am concerned about putting too much of myself out there in a place where people who actually know me might read it. But I also know that I NEED a place to talk about this (and other things) as I move forward. And I think a lot of what I have to talk about will surround this idea binge eating and the role it has in my life. I would love to hear what anyone else thinks about food issues, especially among women, and I invite you to pull up a chair here and stay for a while.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad
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